This isn’t the story I wanted to tell. I wanted a cute photo with a sign reading “Grace Promoted to Big Sister Coming June 2019” with the positive test in the corner. I wanted a boomerang revealing the gender. I wanted to share the videos of telling Brian and my parents. Instead, I had two weeks of dreams and hopes of a new baby come to a screeching halt with the word miscarriage.
My big fear became reality.
Shame—that I know I shouldn’t feel—felt.
On the morning of, before I even knew anything was wrong, I read through my Psalms devotional. It was Psalm 23. I knew it by heart, but vs 4 jumped out at me that morning and I wrote this down & texted it to my friend:
““Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”
Psalm 23:4 NIV
Sometimes my mind wanders into worst case scenarios where my imagination runs wild with situations and things that could possibly happen to me and I can genuinely freak myself out, or scare myself into believing the worst is going to happen. But this verse reminds me that God is with me through it all and to stop worrying about things that have never even happened. God is bigger than any natural disaster, terrible circumstance, financial crisis, loss and He will see me through it.”
It was six hours later when one of those imagined worst case scenarios started to become a reality. And in it I had to ask myself do I actually believe what I said this morning? Do I actually believe God is bigger than this? Do I actually believe that He will see me through this loss through the devastation and heartbreak of who might have been.
He is with me in this valley, a dark one. I see him in the comfort of His Word. I hear Him in the words of encouragement, prayers, stories of friends and family. I see His hands and His feet in our community surrounding us with hugs, meals, flowers and love. He promised He would be with me, and He is.
I never wanted to tell this story.
But I have learned that many others have walked this path before me. They have felt the pain, the loss and heartbreak and their stories have given me the courage to share mine.
No matter what valley you are walking, just know you don’t have to walk it alone. Your story isn’t over.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.
2 Corinthians 1:3-5